Work Around Your Abyss

I recently read Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection.  It triggered a lot of soul-searching.  It led me to the realization that I define my self-worth based on how well I do things.  Thus, I feel very positive about myself while I am at work.  I am a productive employee who meets expectations in all areas. 

The problem is I am not a productive wife or mother.  Being a mother, especially to a preschooler and child with ASD, is so overwhelming.  Most of the time as a parent, I feel frustrated, anxious and hopeless.  This has produced a wife who is too emotionally and mentally exhausted to contribute much around the house.  My husband does all the cooking and laundry at our house. As a wife, I feel lazy, ashamed and like a burden.  So while I love being at work, I feel like I am crawling out of my skin at home.

And it’s all because I define my self-worth based on my level of productivity.  And I have no idea how to stop this.  For me, it’s like the facts are in.  My employer is highly satisfied with my performance.  If polled, my husband and children would likely say they are not.  I’m mean, bristly and short-fused.  I’m inattentive, unaffectionate and unhelpful.  I can rationalize that these statements are mere conjecture, and even if true, not true all of the time.  But even when I can mentally grasp that, I still can’t get those feelings out of my heart.

But today I read this:

 “There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss.  You will never succeed in filling that hole, because your needs are inexhaustible.  You have to work around it so that gradually the abyss closes.

Since the hole is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it.  There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.”

Work Around Your Abyss – Henri Nouwen

Now I feel like I have a road map of sorts.  I can see that I have let myself become completely absorbed by my pain at home and it has paralyzed me.  I can also see that I have pushed myself so hard at work that it’s allowed me to avoid the pain of ill-defined self-worth.  I need to understand this abyss of mine.  What led me to this place?  What purpose has this torturous self-worth served for me?  Why is it so hard to settle for good enough?  I don’t know the answers to any of those questions yet, but at least now I have a place to start.  Going to work around my abyss, trusting that someday it will close.

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My Kid is Not a Brat

My kid is not a brat. He has Autism and ADHD. We have made a few parenting mistakes with him, but we have not raised him wrong. The biggest mistake we made was not advocating for a diagnosis and services early enough. Vaccines did not do this to him. Both his older and younger sisters are neurotypical. They were both vaccinated and have been raised in much the same way that Caleb has been. It is an insult to hear people blame my son’s behavior on poor parenting or vaccinations. I would rather have a child with ASD than a dead child.

My son wants what every other kid his age wants. Namely, friends to play with. Except he is hard to play with. He is focused exclusively on dinosaurs, the solar system, vehicles, Lego and coloring pictures of any of those things. He carries around stuffed animals with him. He still wears a pull up. He has major meltdowns if he is misunderstood due to his speech impediment or if he is asked to transition from one activity to another without enough warning. He physically lashes out if people are too close or the environment is too loud. Oddly enough, he has no sense of personal space and is constantly trying to hug, kiss, snuggle and otherwise touch everyone he encounters. He is also the loudest human I have ever met. He still puts just about everything in his mouth. He struggles to get dressed on his own. He only eats around 5 foods and will only eat with his fingers because he does not have the dexterity to successfully eat with silverware. Needless to say, he isn’t exactly the kind of kid other children his age are begging to play with.

There is a little boy in his grade that lives on the other side of our fence. There’s even a gate between the two yards. Lately, the kids at that house have been telling Caleb he can’t come over. They might be legitimately busy, but my protective mama bear can’t help but think they just don’t want to play with him anymore. Caleb stands at that gate every day, staring and begging to come over. Then they say no and he starts screaming and sobbing. Then they really don’t want him to come over and play. My heart breaks every time. Yesterday, it broke enough that I sat with him in my lap and we both cried together.

School starts on Tuesday. We are fighting tooth and nail to get him special education services. We are starting an intensive therapy called ABA that will hopefully address some of the struggles I mentioned above. We are also hoping that this year he will make some friends, that he will have someone to play with at recess and that he won’t get kicked off the bus. We are hoping this year, he will somehow miraculously turn a corner and that around that bend he will find happiness instead of tears.

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Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood Meets the Real World

This post will make no sense to you if you have never watched Daniel Tiger. It’s on Netflix and I highly recommend it to folks with little kids and to kidless folks who are just feeling a little random and bored. I have seen every episode at least 25 times. Caleb is addicted. (Always swore my kid would never spend hours staring at the tv, but I think that perceived failure is another post on its own.)

Anyway…the show has these songs. About everything including going potty. Which, by the way, you are supposed to stop and go right away. Then flush and wash and be on your way.

One of the songs is about how grown ups always come back. The social worker in me goes nuts when I hear this song. Grown ups don’t always come back. Sometimes they die or run off with the pool boy. And then there’s the group of grown ups that kids really don’t want to see come back.

I’m also convinced all the adults in the program have a secret flask or pack of cigs somewhere. They’re just entirely too calm. And I know I couldn’t deal with that Katerina Kitty Cat without some extra help.

For real though, I really do like the show. I wouldn’t have it on auto repeat play all day if I didn’t.

I’ve learned some fancy parenting techniques. When I feel so mad that I want to roar, I now take a deep breath and count to 4. I also now aspire to feed my kids healthier and homemade food. Mom Tiger makes oatmeal with blueberries or strawberry pancakes almost everyday.

 

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